TAG
by Heaven is Drunk
Summary: After seeing a commercial, Tamaki buys a supposibly female attracting cologne in hopes of getting Haruhi's attention. Warning: References to Pop culture, questionable sexuality, and mindless TV trash!


**Title: **Tag  
**Type:** Ouran Host Club One-shot  
**Genre: **Humor/Romance  
**Pairing: **Tamaki X Haruhi  
**Characters: **Suoh Tamaki X Fujioka Haruhi  
**Background: **After Episode 16, a new school year separate from the timeline of the story  
**Plot:** After seeing a promo for female-alluring cologne, Tamaki decides to woo Haruhi using said product, however things are getting in his way.  
**Warning: **References to pop culture and sexual orientation misunderstanding  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own Ouran Host club or TAG.  
**Author's Note:** I re-uploaded the chapter because I accidentally got Karou and Hikaru mixed up (oops). So, thank you SquirrelnoShi! Oh, and thank you to Urei-Sama for being my first review and thank you to Aries Sephastone and Eccentricai for putting my story on their favorites list! You guys make me happy!

…Aiya, I was under a different name when I wrote this! Man, it's okay!

* * *

**TAG  
by Heaven is Drunk**

"Good afternoon, Tamaki-sama." A maid bowed to the blonde haired boy. He mumbled a greeting darkly and stumbled up the grand staircase of his mansion. The maid sighed as he passed by, swearing to herself that she saw a dark cloud looming over his head, "Another failed attempt with Haruhi-sama."

His bright blue eyes were in front of her in seconds, welled up with tears and emitting an eerie resemblance to a moping puppy, "What should I do?"

"I don't know Tamaki-sama, have you tried being yourself?" She shrugged, a little uncomfortable with the topic of Tamaki's crush. She fiddled with the hem of her uniform, intent on not looking at his teary blue eyes.

His black cloud aura immediately dropped, assuming the position that Suou Tamaki was born to hold, "Of course, who wouldn't be in love with me?" He chuckled then flopped over into the fetal position, "But Haruhi doesn't like me."

"You're too intense, Tamaki-sama." The maid offered nervously, "Maybe you should calm down a little."

He sprang to life again, "I am always calm! I am always calm, intelligent, charming…"

And that's when the maid stopped paying attention, finding the dirty spot on the marble floor more fascinating than the over exuberant son of her boss. When she unknowingly left his side to find cleaning supplies, Tamaki dove into a corner; intent on staring at it until his depression faded away. The leader of the maids found him there two hours later.

0

"Old hag," Tamaki moaned as he fell into his cozy king-sized bed. His large flat-screen television clicked on with the sound of his voice and the grand father clock in the corner of his incredibly huge bedroom chimed 10 o'clock. Nothing was small in Tamaki's room; the King of Ouran High School's Host Club would expect nothing less than the biggest things Japan had to offer.

He rolled onto his back and stared at the large ceiling with a heavy sigh. After moping in the corner for longer than his muscles felt comfortable, he was scolded for not acting like the heir to the Suou fortune and was sent to his room without desert. He sighed again, how many times had he been sent to his room without desert and complained about it?

_Four hundred and twenty seven times actually_, his mind grumbled to him.

He'd always complained about the food they ate, how little there was to eat (which there never really was small amounts in the Suou house), and the punishment he would receive which was always something along the lines of not being allowed to eat. He would always pout, that is until he met Fujioka Haruhi.

The poor lower class had it bad; they had never experienced the richness of imported chocolate and freshly made Japanese delicacies like he had all of his life. They lived with box lunches bought at half price and cooked their own food instead of having someone who'd gone to school to learn how to cook do it for them. Such a sorry life for the poor.

_The poor_…_Haruhi_…his mind sighed.

As much as Tamaki tried to fight it, his mind always drifted back to the girl who'd joined the Host Club under the pretense of irritable debt. In truth, Tamaki could have cared less about the stupid vase; it was a knock off to say the least. The texture was too perfect to be hand crafted which was the draw of the vase in the first place…and Kyoya knew it too.

The reason why Haruhi was forced into the Host Club was sure financial appeal. They'd never gotten close to a lower class off spring before and it fascinated each member of the Host Club to actually meet one, none of them could have denied that one. And when it was revealed the Haruhi was a girl, sexual appeal began to play. Now it was a race between members to win Haruhi's heart…well, three of the members.

Mistukuni was too wrapped up in sweets to understand the biological appeal of Haruhi.

Mori was too wrapped up in Mistu to notice Haruhi as anything more than another subject to protect.

And Kyoya liked money, lots of money and Haruhi had none, even Tamaki could understand the lack of interest between the two.

No, the war consisted of three members, Kaoru, Hikaru, and Tamaki himself. It was a race to win Haruhi and so far, the twins were winning. After the incident between Hikaru and Haruhi over the summer, the two were more relaxed around each other. Even Mistukuni had pointed out that Hikaru and Haruhi looked like a couple in love.

Haruhi had denied it; Hikaru shrugged it off by flirting with Haruhi and Tamaki dove into a corner to cry.

Tamaki wasn't sure what to do anymore. He'd tried so hard today, reciting poetry, picking flowers, giving her gifts, and even foolishly proclaiming an attraction to her, within the safety of an empty Host Club room, and she still denied him. What more could he do?

And, ironic as fate can be, the television suddenly blasted a commercial, "WARNING: USE OF THIS PRODUCT MAY INDUCE THE RISK OF HOT WOMEN CLINGING TO BODY PARTS…"

American Commercials, he couldn't understand the English (he'd failed that course freshmen year and gave it up after that) and the words were flashing on the screen far too quickly to read. He wanted to roll away from the television but something caught his eyes.

Before him was a boy, average at best, looking at a bunch of scantily clad girls lounging around a private school of sorts. He looked at them, smirked, and pulled out a small bottle of cologne with the bold words TAG written across the front. He sprayed it on himself and suddenly the girls, all similarly dressed in plaid skirts and white dress shirts, tackled him, touching him in places the cologne had been sprayed.

That had his attention. He turned over and watched as a boy was looking at a very pretty girl in what appeared to be a library. He'd never really been to one but he supposed that that would be what it looked like. Anyways, He sprayed…down there, and suddenly the girl was sitting on his book, groping him with a seductive smile.

Tamaki had been bought. If the cologne could attract a model-like girl to a nerdy-looking boy then it would obviously attract Haruhi to him. He had sex appeal, more than the foolish boys in the commercial, so why wouldn't it work for him?

Victory, the game would be won. Haruhi would be his. All he had to do was wait for the delivery from America.

0

Haruhi yawned as she entered Music Room 3. It was early morning and the Host Club had been called into a meeting before school. Tamaki's first contact in a week was a demand that all members appear before school started today for some unknown reason. Since his private confession and her rejection, he'd been stand-offish, leaving plenty of room for the twins to invade any personal time she could possibly have and flirt to no end with her.

"HAAARRRUUUHHHIII- CCCCHHHAAANNN!" Mistukuni sung as Haruhi entered the room. He took her hand and skipped back to a small table filled with cookies and cakes. Mori was already there, staring at his strawberry cake with mild disgust.

"Hello, Mistu-senpai, Mori-senpai." She smiled; they were only two in the entire group that didn't annoy or scare her. She sat between the two and stared down at the offered chocolate mousse, "What are the plans for today?"

"Nothing special." Kyoya appeared, "We are running low on funds right now so we have nothing elaborate to plan. Just a normal day with tea."

She nodded and gently took a small bite of the cake, how someone could eat sweets so early in the morning was beyond her comprehension. Suddenly, it was there, the image of Tamaki smiling at her, cooing about her low class status habits, and hugging her until she couldn't breathe attacked her mind. She froze mid-bit, smiling gently at the prospect of seeing Tamaki hyper and happy again.

She couldn't deny that, at first, she hated him. She thought he was crazy and a little too excited to see her dress like a girl. She had actually preferred the constant bi-sexual flirting of the twins over Tamaki. He'd done nice things for her, which is why she gave him a chance, but he was so unpredictable that she was either angry or scared around him.

Well, before she got to know him. Before she was told that he was the song of the principle of Ouran High. Before he dove off a cliff to save her from drowning, held her tightly when she was scared of thunder, and then kept it a secret until he had to tell Hikaru to rescue her.

Prince Charming in the flesh; that was Tamaki.

"Haruhi!" The twins announced their arrival loudly, slamming the large red doors against the wall and loudly skipping over to where she sat, "Morning."

"Good Morning." She returned mutually and placed her fork down.

"Haruhi-chan! You're not going to eat your mousse!" Mitsukuni gasped.

"I had breakfast already." She smiled.

"Muu…" Mitsukuni frowned before Mori placed the mousse in front of Mitsukuni. The blonde smiled and decidedly gulped down the cake. Haruhi, Kyoya, and the twins frowned in disgust.

"So why did the Lord call us today?" Hikaru asked. The group shrugged but flinched when the doors opened again and Tamaki appeared, a joyful grin on his face.

"Good Morning!" He smiled. The greeting was returned with a few half-hazard mumbles. He ignored the meek opening and marched determinedly over to Haruhi out of her chair and took her hands in his.

"Haruhi-chan," He smiled, "I would like to date you."

The group froze in shock as the King waited breathlessly for her reply. She nervously looked around the room. He knew the answer, he'd asked it already, why was he asking again?

"Uh…senpai…" She mumbled. He smiled and pulled away with a proud grin. He pulled out a small container and began to spray his chest. Like the commercials, he sprayed it across his chest once and put it away. Then held out his arms, waiting for Haruhi to hug him.

The rest of the group wanted numbly as Haruhi stared at Tamaki. She suddenly caught a small whiff of the cologne. He smiled, watching the effect of TAG take place. Haruhi suddenly coughed and held her nose, "Gross, what is that?"

Hikaru and Kaoru broke out into loud laughing as the rest of the group sighed. Tamaki fled to his usual corner where he sulked, the familiar gray cloud raining upon him.

The bell suddenly ran and the group gathered up to leave. Haruhi was the first, attempting to get away from the smell of the supposed female-attracting cologne. Tamaki remained in his dark corner, depressed that the money he'd spent did not work.

"Tama-chan!" Mitsukuni called, "You're going to be late for class!"

The blonde nodded and followed the childish senior out of the music room. He dazedly made his way down the hall, ignorant of the looks he received as he passed by students. He made it to his room where Kyoya was already sitting, looking over financial documents. Tamaki slumped down in his chair with a heavy sigh.

"You smell." Kyoya mentioned as he continued to check figures.

"I know."

"Then move."

"This is my seat."

"Then get rid of the smell."

Tamaki sighed and turned away from his friend. He mopped inwardly as students piled into the room. The boys of the school passed by as usual, mumbling greetings while holding their nose. Tamaki sighed as he heard a few whisper "smells disgusting" behind his back.

"KYOYA!" Tamaki fell into a pitiful ball and whimpered, "Kyoya, help me!"

"With what?" The business man flipped a page in his book.

"Uh…" He frowned, "Never mind."

Tamaki returned to mopping until suddenly, a soft hand caressed his shoulder. Tamaki frowned and turned to the hand. He looked up to realize it was a princess caressing him. He dropped his depressed mood and leapt into flirting.

"How may I help you, Princess?" Tamaki grinned, wishing for a rose to finish the mood. The young girl, a pretty and delicate brunette, smiled and caressed his shoulder more forcefully. He smiled, watching her deep set brown eyes focus on his own crystal blue. His grin began to fade when another hand began to caress more forcefully.

"Uh…" There was a resounding gasp from the male population of the room as two girls joined the brunette in touching Tamaki. The blonde stood up and slowly began to step back as the girls began encircling him, touching and rubbing his parts.

"Tamaki, stop stealing the chicks!"

"I'm not!"

"What did you do to them?"

"I didn't!"

"What the hell is wrong?"

"I don't know!" Tamaki screamed and fell back onto the floor, the girls falling onto him. Happy giggles and flirtatious moans sounded from the girls as Tamaki pushed away from them. Kyoya stood, watching curiously as the girls struggled to touch Tamaki.

"Oh Tamaki, you smell nice!" A girl giggled.

That's when the situation seemed all too familiar to the blond prince. He remembered the commercial he'd watched only a week ago where the nerdy little boy was mauled by sexy women. He laughed a little as he attempted to escape the attack.

The perfume did work and very well but only for girls who weren't perfectly unusual. It worked for girls who fell for his poetic charms and swooned when he faked interest. That's why Haruhi had said it reeked.

"Suou-san, would you mind explaining why the class is near humping you?" The teacher walked in, blushing slightly at the sight of respectable girls fawning over the boy.

"M-My TAG, sensei." Tamaki smiled nervously.

"TAG?"

"It is an American cologne, sensei." Kyoya fixed his glasses, "The product claims that any woman upon smelling it will immediately become infatuated physically with the person wearing said cologne."

"Ah." The teacher frowned, "Suou-san, get rid of the cologne."

"Hai, sensei!" Tamaki pulled away from the girls, hearing them cry as he escaped. He just made it passed the doors and took a heavy, relieved sigh.

"Don't go Tamaki-kun!"

"Young ladies, back to your seats immediately!"

0

"It's a simple 'yes' or 'no' question." Hikaru taunted his female-in-disguise classmate, hovering above her with a sly grin. His twin stood beside him, half slung over his brother's shoulder and grinned down at Haruhi.

"Yes, Haru-chan." Kaoru grinned, "Yes, you like him or no, you don't."

"He's a good friend." Haruhi frowned, "Of course I like him."

"But how much?" Hikaru laughed.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you can like someone like our class presidents. You know them and you talk to them and you think they are nice; however, it is only a like. With friends like us, you have to more than _like_ us." Hikaru grinned.

"Like love?"

"BINGO!" Kaoru winked, "Do you _love _Tamaki?"

"How would I know?"

"Are you comfortable telling him secrets?" Hikaru asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes."

"And you trust that he won't hurt you?" Kaoru asked with the opposite eyebrow raised.

"Yes."

"That what love feels like!" They hugged each other, "So?"

"Then," Haruhi laid her head on her hand, "yes, I love Tamaki?"

"Did you hear that Renge-san?" They smiled.

"OH HO HO HO HO, OH HO HO HO," the annoying laughter of the blonde cosplay fanatic rang through Haruhi's head. She always was proud that she could never hate someone but Renge was always on that thin line between toleration and utter hatred. Haruhi rose, ready to leave.

"What are you three up to now?" Haruhi sighed.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" Renge squealed into her microphone, "We have just witnessed a confession!" Renge whipped out a tape recorder. The class stared at the girl who sported a stereo typical American private school uniform sing happily, "We have our very own, non-incestuous yaoi couple!"

"Who?"

"Our own Prince Haruhi and King Tamaki are going to confess their love for each other!" Renge smiled. The girls in the room squealed and figuratively pounced on Haruhi asking her questions about her relationship with Tamaki, the King of Ouran High School.

"I'm not gay!" Haruhi cried.

Renge chuckled her characteristic chuckle before pressing the play button. Haruhi's voice flowed from the gray box, "'Of course I like him'..."

"That proves nothing." The class president fixed his glasses, "That goes without saying. Haruhi and Tamaki are friends."

Renge laughed and pressed the play button once more, "'…Yes, I love Tamaki'…See!"

The classroom squealed and began asking more questions. Haruhi glared at the twins before running from the classroom, the girls following.

"Stupid rich bastards."

0

Haruhi took a heavy sigh as she happily emerged from the school hall ways unharmed. She took refuge in the 3rd music room knowing that no one would be there in the middle of the day. Tired and angry that she was missing out on her school day, she collapsed into one of the huge red chairs.

Quiet at last…

"Lobelia!" A chorus of three women rung through the large room from beyond the door. Haruhi sighed to herself as the doors swung open and three twirling girls came spinning in. Pink skirt, white shirts, and rose petals filled Haruhi's vision.

"Lobelia…" They sang low and the tallest broke away with a smile, "St. Lobelia Academy Second year: Amakusa Benio!"

The group twirled to another location in the room, "Lobelia!"

The long haired blonde broke away a flirty pose, "Same school, second year: Maihara Chizuru."

And once again the girls turned to another location, "Lobelia!"

The last broke away with a bubbly smile and pose, "Same school, first year: Tswabuki Hinako."

The spun until the three girls were right in front of Haruhi, singing at their highest octave, "LOBELIAAAAAAAA!"

And glorious silence.

Haruhi stared at the three with an exasperated sigh. She stood, forcing the young women to back away slowly, "I know who you are."

"Ah, sweet maiden, we've come for you!" Benio grinned proudly and turned away from Haruhi.

The other two focused in on the first year, babbling about how her hair would be better at this length and make up worn on this spot. Before Haruhi could tell, the strange smell the Tamaki had before school flowed into her nose. The other two girls backed away, revealing a rather manly dressed Benio who was quickly tucking away a bottle.

"Mon Cheri! Je t'adore! J'espere que tu est sorti avec moi!" Benio took Haruhi's hand and kissed it. However, the nearness caused the smell to get stronger and Haruhi to become slightly ill. She gasped, ripped her hand away and clutched her nose.

"What is that smell?" She gasped.

Benio laughed and revealed the object of the scent. The small bottle that read TAG was forced into Haruhi's line of vision. She stared at it curiously. This was the reason why Tamaki had smelled so terrible earlier that day.

"This, lovely maiden, is a spell cast that will make you fall in love with me!" Benio grinned, "And I will finally win against that terrible mongrel Suou Tamaki!"

Haruhi hissed in her mind and backed away from Benio, "It smells horrible!"

Before she could see the pale form of Benio and the dramatic depression that she fell into, Haruhi escaped the music room, hoping to escape the smell. Inside, the Zuka club consoled each other with stage tears and fake groans as they realized their plan to "rescue" Haruhi from the Host Club had failed again.

0

Tamaki groaned; the smell of TAG invaded his own nose. He was stupid to buy the product, stupid to believe that it would work. Now he wandered the halls, searching for a way to clear his mind and purge his body of the odor. What he didn't realize was where his odor ridden body was headed to.

"TAMAKI-KUN!" A seductive moan was heard right behind him before a senior girl grabbed onto his waist. Another latched onto his front and several hand groped him.

"Tamaki-kun, come sit with me!"

"Tamaki-kun, eat with me."

"TAMAKI-SENPAI!" He turned when he saw the first year female population fight around the senior girls who were caressing almost every inch of him. He gasped and broke away from the group.

"Now, now, my Princesses, there is plenty of me to go around but you'll have to wait until after school at the host club." He laughed nervously, too scared to form charming sentiments to woo the girls. They neared him with hungry eyes and then began running.

He screamed and ran for the outside, for water, for help.

0

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Tamaki cried as he was chased by half the population of the school. He zoomed by Mitsukuni and Mori who were taking trays upon trays of candies and cakes to a corner of the garden to eat.

"Tama-ch-" Mitsukuni smiled and waved to the blonde, not realizing he was to be crushed by the group of rampaging girls hooked on the smell of TAG. Mori dove to save him, dropping the sweets. They sat back in the rose bush and watched as the screaming girls crushed the food they were to consume. Mitsukuni sniffled slightly, "The…the…the…"

Mori presented him with a piece of chocolate cheese cake heavily wrapped in foil and gently placed in a Styrofoam container. Mitsukuni squealed and attacked the saved piece of cake.

"Plans going smoothly?" Kyoya appeared behind the relaxed pair. Mori nodded silently and watched the chaos unfold. Kyoya flipped his cell phone open and dialed a number, "Is subject #2 in-place?"

"HAI!" A twin voice was heard on the other line.

"Good." Kyoya smiled, "Our work is done."

"AHHHH!" Tamaki shouted as he ran to nowhere. He wasn't sure where to go at the moment but he knew he had to get somewhere near water to get rid of the TAG.

"Come back Tamaki-senpai!"

"We love you Tamaki-kun!"

"HELP!"

0

After making several twists and turns around the school, Haruhi escaped the noises. She found herself near the very pond her books had been tossed into on the second day as a member of the Host Club. She sighed with nostalgia, images of Tamaki's soft demeanor breaking through her conscious self.

She breathed in deeply. Tamaki's smile in her head. The image of him talking softly, without any sort of flirting in mind as he fished her wallet out of the pond made her smile. She brushed her brow, realizing it was hot out.

She concluded with a soft smile that after running about campus even in snowy weather would make her hot. She shed herself of the fancy blazer and tie. Looking around, she unbuttoned two buttons and hiked up her pants. Sighing with relief, she placed her shoes and socks to the side and waded into the pond.

Silence.

She was used to silence and peaceful loneliness. Being part of the twisted, exciting family of the Host club was never a bad thing but growing up in a small house with a mother who had died and a father who was always working left her feeling comfortable in solitude. Like now, alone with her thoughts and feelings, left brooding without interruptions.

"HELP ME!" Tamaki's voice squealed across campus.

Haruhi sighed; solitude was too good to be true when her friend was someone like King Suou Tamaki. She turned in the direction of his voice and all too soon realized that leaving her shoes where she had was a bad idea.

It was slow motion for the two as Tamaki, running full force, tripped over her shoes and landed, face first, into Haruhi's chest. They fell back into the pond, soaking themselves all the way through and splashing the crazed TAG fans that had followed Tamaki.

The girls stared into the blank sky before screeching about wet clothes and separating from the pond. When the crowd had left, Tamaki and Haruhi sighed heavily. They both sat up, Tamaki blushing and turning to the sky, and Haruhi attempting to hold her breath, still believing that Tamaki reeked.

When she couldn't hold her breath anymore, she gasped. She paused, leaning forward and sniffing Tamaki. He stiffened and turned to her, "What are you doing?"

"You smell nice, Tamaki-senpai." She smiled, "Did you get new cologne?"

"Y-yes but you said it was gross and then those girls were chasing me and…" He babbled but stopped when she leaned forward and laid her head on his shoulder.

"You smell like summer skies." She smiled, giggling inwardly as she remembered learning about the cologne from the Zuka club, "When I was little, I use to lay out in the fields in the park and smell the smell of cut grass and blooming flowers." She grinned dreamily, ready to close her eyes, "I like this smell."

"But the cologne's worn off, I only smell like pond water." Tamaki frowned. He began to babble when he noticed Haruhi was relaxed on his shoulder. He smiled softly and rested his head on her head, wrapping his arm around her chest area where he knew the drenched white would expose Haruhi's secret.

"Tamaki-senpai?"

"Yes, Haruhi-chan?"

"Everyone thinks we're gay."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thanks again!


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